Lessons for Melbourne Habitants Visiting Sydney
Sydney is a large city-like entity surrounding the Sydney Opera House with a population close to 5 million. It is mostly known for its overcrowded beaches, horrible drivers, and its habitants possessing an unbearable air of superiority when comparing themselves to Melbournians. It is easily accessible via plane or phone call, and unfortunately the converse is also true. As a person currently seeking refuge from Sydney, here is a brief travel guide for those who choose to visit.
The Land
Location and Surface Features
Sydney is located roughly 900 kilometres North-East of Dandenong on the East Coast of Australia. Most of the terrain is asphalt, crumbed rubber, or the Anzac Bridge, depending on how one chooses to drive through it. Surface features include palm trees, sunburnt tourists, Toyota Corollas, Danny Lim in a political sandwich board and ibis birds.
Climate
Compared to Melbourne, Sydney is a little bit warmer, though winters largely tend to be the same. A general point of conversation, however, seems to be the climate, namely how it is far better than Melbourne’s. This is but one of the strange cultural practices of a Sydney habitant, and it is inadvisable for one to disagree with them. When a habitant complains of the poor weather in Melbourne compared to Sydney, one should nod, agree, and the habitant will be satisfied enough to leave one alone.
Chief Exports
Though Sydney contributes to Australia’s general exports- such as bogans on cruises, euro-summer backpackers, and misinformation on koalas and kangaroos (namely how Australians ride them to school and keep them as pets), Sydney further provides unique exports that can’t be found anywhere else in the country.
Sydney seasonally produces girls that do cocaine and complain that nowhere in Australia compares to their wonderful home, Sydney. These are not to be confused with girls that do ketamine and complain that nowhere in Australia compares to their wonderful home, Melbourne. Additionally, Sydney also produces nightclubs and bars that close before or at midnight, though these have been found not to travel well, and haven’t made it past rural NSW.
Finally, Sydney has been confused to export people named ‘Sydney,’ however this is just a misconception, as no one that’s lived there would choose to name their children after the place.
The People
Everyday Life and Customs
Though most Sydney habitants may appear lifelike, a sharp eye is required to discern between those who are able to maintain a tolerable conversation, and those who revolve through the same three topics of weather, run club, and how many drugs they did last night.
The habitants of Sydney are also naturally warm and open Whenat a café ordering one’s iced long black, one may observe the barista volunteering information on their recent trip to Japan where they only stayed at ‘culturally traditional’ hotels. It is best to realize that these people are happiest attending an event with lines that circle the block, a $40 entry fee, and ultimately closes before 1 a.m.
Food and Drink
A great many Sydney habitants live on strict diets of organic foods from a mystical place known as ‘Harris Farm Markets,’ a store that barely exists outside of the Greater Sydney Metropolitan Area. This is due to the widely held belief that naturally grown fruit and vegetables make the cocaine work faster.
One popular native dish is called avocado toast which can be found in most places that sell coffee. Though the regular traveller may be under the impression that this dish is only made of avocado and toast, as the name, taste, and appearance of the dish may suggest, this is untrue. There is a secret third thing in there, of which no one is really sure, which makes the price of one of these on average $18 rather than an acceptable $10.
Dress
Though different people dress in different ways, a very common outfit one will find in Sydney worn by its habitants is the Lycra cycling suit, most commonly worn by upper-class middle-aged men to quite a skin-tight degree, leaving little to the imagination. One will be disappointed to find that calling the police to get these men to wear literally anything else is futile, and thus the best thing to do is to simply look away. This is also the reason why so many women wear extremely large, sight-blocking, sunglasses.
Furthermore, if one wishes to distinguish between Sydney locals and mere visitors, one needs to look no farther than their clothes. While on public transport, anyone wearing a school uniform, a Coles or Aldi tote as a handbag, speed-dealer sunglasses, or flip flops, are likely to be habitants.
Visitors tend to dress up for trips to the place, the reason largely unknown, perhaps to distinguish themselves from the mere locals.
The Language
Fortunately, there is not much of a language difference between Sydney habitants and the rest of the nation. Some words one might want to become familiar with are listed below:
Stig = a nicotine vape, used instead of cigarettes,
Formal = long pants,
Late night = 8 p.m.,
USYD = a place where wealthy individuals send their children to have fun and make friends,
Bondi beach = a place that, in the summer, becomes very crowded with tourists that don’t know how to swim, named after the TV show ‘Bondi Rescue.’
Transportation
There are many forms of transportation in Sydney, such as buses, trains, trams, ferries, and now the beloved metro. The public transport system is likely the best in the nation. However, if trying to reach anywhere during the time between midnight and 4:30 a.m., it is advised to travel in either an Uber or an ambulance. Visitors wishing to remain inconspicuous are advised to travel in the latter.
Recommendations from a Sydney Expat
Paddy’s Markets
If one has ever been to the Queen Victoria Markets and wished that it was louder, cheaper, and far more packed in a semi-properly ventilated warehouse, then one should look no further than Paddy’s Markets. It is open every day of the week from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., except for Mondays and Tuesdays.
Even the most experienced shopper gets lost here, so don’t be afraid when that happens, just walk in a straight line and hope an exit appears. Nearby, a short 5 minute walk, or one tram stop down, is the Emperor’s Garden custard puffs, 60 cents per bun, served fresh from the oven, these will heal any discomfort one may have experienced in the markets.
Bar Italia
The best kept secret of Sydney’s Inner West, this Italian restaurant provides some of the best priced and most delicious Italian food in the whole of Sydney. They also make fresh gelato. Like most respectable businesses in Leichhardt, they only accept cash.
Beaches
Ask 100 people in Sydney what the best local beach to swim in is and one will get 100 different answers. That being said, it’s easier to take the South Coast Line from Central, get off at Wombarra and make one’s way to Scarborough beach than ask 100 people from Sydney something.
Hopefully this has provided insight to potential travellers from Melbourne hoping to go to Sydney. If one still wishes to visit after this meticulous, and accurate, account of the place then be my guest.